back at it again

When will I stop?! I know the dangers of continuing but it’s so hard to stop!

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Secret

I am a Mom of 3, Nana of a very beautiful 3 year old, sister, aunt, friend and maybe just possibility…one of the boys at work!!! To meet me you would never know I was suffering from depression you would think i was happy, go lucky, quiet and reserved mature woman!
I get sad when I think of my life. I have always played it safe. I didn’t drink or smoke up and if I ventured to drink or smoke cigarettes, I ended up paying the price the next day!
I believe this Indiscretion will cost me more than just a days sleep.
Last year was awful !!!!!
i moved 3 times, used all of my savings, rrsp,, defaulted on my car payments and maybe by the end of this, i will crash and burn!!!! I keep wondering if God put this to test me or if I was just so lonely and fed up that anything that comes at me, I will take it and go!!
I have diabetes for which I take pills in high dosages twice a day. I also take am anti depressant for depression and anxiety.
Last year around my birthday I was so low that I was thinking of killing myself.
My brother called me as I was contemplating and I stopped for the moment to focus on what he said!
He said I need you to be strong for me! He kept saying it. Later that night I went to work. My coworker knew something was wrong as I wasn’t the same.
We chatted about what I was thinking and feeling and then he suggested that he might have something to pick me up!!
Normally, i would leave, walk away refuse but i wanted to know!
I told him that pot and i didn’t get along. He said not to worry that I would be ok.
After work the next day he accompanied me to my house and I met